Another Christmas Eve has left my wife Rita and me exhausted from all the work.  The Feast of the Seven Fishes has become an annual celebration to prove that money is no object and no sea creature is safe from the Italian digestive system.

Why must we serve seven kinds of sea life?  I don’t recall such a number requirement for our parents – it was just lots of different fish.  So, now we count.  Before the Eve, we planned for ten different fishes – oysters, clams, salmon, tuna, octopus, squid, scungilli, shrimp, mussels, and salt cod (baccalà).  Unfortunately, our guests were cheated out of oysters as I forgot them in the refrigerator.  Still, the almighty Seven had two fishes to spare.

Back when our folks and grandfolks prepared the feast, we learned to eat cheap seafood.  Raw clams, not oysters, were on the menu but so was fried eel.  Scungilli was served diced up and spread over ‘hardtack,” those jaw-breaking biscuits Italian seamen crushed to soak up the tomato sauce.  We ate snails using straight pins to pull the critters out of their shells and then sucked out the juice.  Cheap Blue Claw crabs were a bloody mess to eat trying to scrape the flesh out of broken shells.  Today, snails, eels, and Blue Claws have been replaced with costly lobsters, salmon filets, and King Crab.  The feast is no longer affordable.

The larger question is why do Italic people link joy with hard work?  Even buying cleaned shrimp and squid still requires hours of preparing the feast.  We not only enjoy the seafood, but we have to make sure everyone is ‘stuffed to the gills’ (not an Italian idiom, but an Anglo one).  On Christmas Eve my rule is “seafood only.”  We have an annual guest who refused to eat fish, not even tuna fish.  We made no allowance for her.  Eventually, she tried a shrimp cocktail, this year she added baked salmon.  Someday I may fight her over the baccalà!

But I’m an outlier among Italian American hosts.  So many of our friends feel guilty limiting their menu to fish.  They’ll make a roast to accommodate meat eaters.  Of course, there are many Italo families who never had a Seven Fishes tradition – might have something to do with their ancestral region in Italy.  But if fish is your tradition, don’t compromise!

Imagine going to a Jewish home for a Passover Seder and asking for one of the 5 forbidden foods: wheat, barley, oats, rice, rye and spelt (a type of wheat); or other no-nos like rice, beans, corn, or lentils.  Such a cafone will also be told that any alcohol made from these foods is by relation forbidden.  Lucky he can have (grape) wine or (potato) vodka.

The Seven Fishes should have an educational component like the Passover Seder.  Jewish diners are presented with a plate containing six symbolic foods. One to represent the lamb’s blood Moses used to protect Hebrew homes from God’s plague, an egg to represent the circle of life, bitter herbs to represent the bitterness of Egyptian slavery, and so forth.  It would not be difficult to create an Italian symbolic plate.

Clams, as in ‘how many clams?’ could stand for all the money being spent at the fish market.  The shrimp could represent how short Roman soldiers were able to conquer a world of taller people.  Fennel (“finocchio”) already is slang for gay people (aka “diversity”).  For The Godfather fans octopus (“la piovra”) is Italian slang for the Mafia.  And, of course, baccalà is our description for any stiff who’s oblivious to reality.

May I also suggest that a portion of the Seven Fishes meal be dedicated to correcting Italian American malapropisms.  Offenders should be corrected whenever they call calamari ‘galamar,’ il pesce ‘ooh besch,’ or antipasto ‘andybast.’

And for God’s sake, can’t we forget how many fishes arrive at the table?  Three simple dishes will please the palate and cut down on labor.  Next year, how about Raw or Baked Clams, Lobster Ravioli, and baked Cod or Baccalà.

Just stop counting! – JLM