So was the inevitable reply of Felix Unger from Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple when responding to yet another mess created by his roommate, Oscar Madison. And so is this my reply to the annual Academy Awards ceremony, which managed to be doubly insulting to well-informed Italian Americans.

Believe it or not, Will Smith’s now-infamous ‘slap-heard-round-the-world’ has an Italian connection, of sorts. In the 1998 film, Enemy of the State, Smith plays an affable, educated lawyer who refers to corrupt labor union officials as “Guido motherf–kers.” He later comically corrects himself: “The proper term is Italian Americans!” I recall seeing this film in a theater at the time. The audience giggled derisively at both lines.

Bottom line: Italian Americans are a joke.

But the ultimate joke – and insult – was the standing ovation given to Francis Ford Coppola (82), Al Pacino (81) and Robert DeNiro (78) when they came on-stage after a montage tribute to The Godfather.  Just as the mainstream media can’t get enough of regular, old-school mobsters, dragging these by-now senior citizens out for perp walks in their Depends, so Hollywood can’t help itself by applauding people they now safely consider “artists.”

The Godfather‘s godfather

But do you know who Hollywood also considered “great artists” back-in-the-day? In 1915, it was D.W. Griffith for his civil war masterpiece Birth of a Nation.  In 1934, it was Leni Riefenstahl for her documentary, Triumph of the Will. Today, those two undeniably fine works now come with caveats – Birth for treating the Ku Klux Klan as conquering heroes (while also caricaturing African Americans in the process), and Triumph for glorifying Nazis.

And yet, doesn’t The Godfather lionize Don Vito Corleone and the mafia, too?  Sure does. The trick is that Mario Puzo and Coppola “humanized” such real-life thugs by making them a loving “eye-talian” family.

Thus, the Big Lie of The Godfather: Italians + crime = Italian culture. And it doesn’t come with any caveats. It is accepted as not just the truth, but The Truth. If you doubt this, ask any Godfather lover – whether Italian or non-Italian – if he or she can name five famous Italian American historical figures. More often than not, they can’t. Even Joe DiMaggio is a stretch. They do, however, know the entire family tree of the fictional Corleones, as well as endless symbolism or trivia from the movie. Examples: Oranges in a scene foreshadow death, and yes, that was a real horse’s-head in that bedroom scene. Eww!

Lovers of the film also fail to note that the stereotypes of The Godfather are now institutionalized, everything from Italians-as-gangsters to Italian women as mob-wives. In sum, thanks to that film, Italian American actors, writers and filmmakers who want to divert from the mafia stereotype are either frustrated, mocked, or just plain ignored. That standing ovation at the Oscar show is a double-edged sword, not so much a salute but a way of further entrenching – and anointing – the stereotypes; basically, Hollywood was saying, ‘This is it, you Italians, this is your culture. Stay in your lane and we will treat you like artists!’ Indeed, actor Stanley Tucci, when trying to fund his 1996 film Big Night, was told by studio execs to “put a mob guy” in the film.

THAT is the legacy of The Godfather! Imagine telling Steven Spielberg to “put a shyster” in every film he makes. Ditto Spike Lee and crack dealers.

Finally, Italian Americans who love The Godfather are also usually people who prattle constantly about “giving back” to the community. They join local Italian American social groups, volunteer at St. Joseph’s Day tables, and donate monies to causes, all in the name of “promoting Italian culture.”

Question: Has Coppola, Pacino, or De Niro ever “given back,” in any serious way, to the very culture which nurtured their talents? With the sole, piddling exception of Pacino, who played the heroic real-life cop Frank Serpico in a 1973 film, I don’t see any examples.

Coppola invested his millions in other (non-Italian-themed) movies, as well as a proposed film studio that went bust. His only forays into italianità were a winery in Napa Valley and a hotel in southern Italy, both of which only benefitted him.

As for DeNiro: The year after he was honored by an Italian American cultural group, he made the animated film Shark Tale, where he played a mafia shark. When questioned by an Italian reporter as to why he perpetuated a mob stereotype to children, he called activists “a bunch of stronzi” (assholes).

Though one certainly shouldn’t take a cue from Will Smith and do likewise, doesn’t Hollywood also deserve a smack upside the head?

And regarding the Unholy Trio who took their Godfather bows: They may be artists, but aren’t they also “Guido Motherf–kers”?

According to Hollywood – speaking through Will Smith in 1998 – that’s how all Italian surnamed people in America are viewed. The industry’s applause for The Godfather is as haunting as Nino Rota’s theme song from the film itself.  Doubters need to “take note!” -BDC