Our troubles are over!  Christopher Columbus is on his way back from being Satan Incarnate to God’s Gift—the man who unified the globe.

Some Spanish researchers have analyzed the bones of the Great Navigator, interred in Seville for the past 518 years, and found by questionable deduction that his DNA “has traits compatible with Jewish origin.” “Compatible?” That’s a tricky word. But let’s go with it!

What luck for Italian Americans!  We can now dump the controversial Admiral of the Ocean Sea and celebrate our true gift to humanity—Mafia movies.  No more defending Columbus from revisionist history.  No more protecting his statues from wanton destruction.  No more lobbying to preserve the Columbus Day holiday.  All these things can now be handled by the Jewish Community.

Ironically, I feel sorry for the Indigenous People and all the Woke elites who may now be accused of anti-Semitism if they dare to disparage Columbus.  Jewish fact-checkers will take the media by storm to root out the myriad ‘misinformation’ that the Woke has polluted our national discourse with.  School children will once again be taught the old poem “In 1492 Columbus sailed the Ocean blue..”  The landing at San Salvador will be reinterpreted as a mitzvah (good deed), not the start of a ‘genocide.’

Jewish scholars will show how Jewish history is loaded with great navigators and explorers.  Men like Noah who built the Ark; Jonah who sailed the ocean in the belly of a whale; Moses who navigated the Nile as an infant in a reed basket and later parted the Red Sea; and countless other examples of Jewish seamanship too numerous to recall.

I guess we should be grateful that researchers have relieved the Italic people of this ‘genocidal murderer.’  Can we steer them to the bones of Al Capone and John Gotti as well?  Maybe Mussolini was secretly Jewish.  That would explain his invasion of Ethiopia as a quest for the lost Ark of the Covenant.

Sarcasm aside, how valid are DNA samples from a 500-year old pile of bones?  When I first took a DNA spit test years ago Ancestry.com told me I was only 68% Italian, even though I have 4 Italian grandparents.  Checking my status today – same sample, years later – I am now 98% Italian and 2% Spanish—does that make me Sephardic?  In short, DNA is a moving target based on modern gene pools and the total number of samples in the research base.  DNA may be good for paternity suits and cold cases but to change history? This smacks of the Vinland Map hoax of 1965 that fudged the Viking claim.

The researchers actually state that Columbus knew he was a Sephardic Jew and pulled the wool over the Spanish, Italians, and the Church.  Such a con job may be more amazing than discovering America.  In their 22-year research and total reliance on DNA, these experts treated Columbus’s contemporaries of 1492 as idiots.  Columbus didn’t come from outer space.  He had two brothers, Bartolomeo and Giacomo, who worked with him in Spain and the New World.  They had to be in on the con. (The researchers say brother Giacomo was actually a cousin – where did they get his bones?)  While we are at it.  I’d like samples of the researchers’ DNA to see if they’re Sephardic.

Italian businessmen in Spain knew more about the Columbus family and its Genoese back story than any researcher today.  Those businessmen gave Columbus more than half of his financial backing.  In those days, Italians dominated seafaring and discovery, not Jews.  Italians reached and mapped the Azores and Cape Verde Islands well out in the Atlantic before Columbus.  Italians possessed the true DNA for success.

Just how much this Jewish-by-deduction will distort the Columbus story will depend on the Jewish community, which has always sought this appropriation.  How long before we are told that Amerigo Vespucci’s middle name was Shlomo?  -JLM